Late night confessions

so it's nearly 1am and I am sitting up, eating nutella, watching reruns of greys anatomy.

Like actually eating nutella and strawberries at nearly 1 in the morning.

I'm sad

And I'm sad that I am making dumb choices, and not sleeping, and while I'm excited and nervous and scared and happy, i'm also sleepy and moody and slightly sick from a nutella rush.

This is the life I've chosen. Saying goodbyes, coming and going, never quite knowing who I will see and when.  It's tiring, and while it's beautiful, it's sickening too.

And I've seen all these episodes of Greys before.  And I have to stop eating nutella.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  

24 days now.  And i'm going to get fatter on nutella and my eyes are going to be red from now until the wedding from crying.  Sigh.

Night.

Where did the time go

So it's the 9th of June and the whirlwind is upon us......the nubmer of countdowns I have spinning in my head are ridiculous......

• 2 days til Mark's wedding ring arrives
• 5 days til Mum arrives from New Zealand
• 9 days til Sara arrives from New Zealand
• 25 days til the wedding and becoming Mrs Mark Bergshoeff
• 29 days til we fly to Ontario
• 54 days til we leave for Costa Rica

Wow

I'm kinda spinning just typing that.

It's been a crazy awesome time. I've officially been living in our new apartment for 10 days now, and it's finally looking more like a home and less like a crash site.  It feels like home though (which i suppose is the important thing) and I still get little butterflies when I walk in the door and realise that this is going to be our first home together as a married couple. Gulp.

The painting is all done, the internet works, 90% of the boxes are unpackes, and life goes on.

My newest word of the moment was taught to me by Mark yesterday.  

cur·mudg·eon  (kr-mjn)

n.

An ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions.

---

[Origin unknown.]

---

cur·mudgeon·ly adj.

cur·mudgeon·ry n.

 Not bad huh

Ok what else

I should probably be getting ready for work.  If you haven't RSVPd already for the wedding, get onto it friends! www.markandhill.com  If you haven't got your invite and think you should have I lost a box of invites in the move meaning that I have now sent some people two invitations and some people NONE! so let me know if you're really worried......

Happy Birthday to me...

So I've been 25 for a week now, and I have to say it's been a busy one! I'm a little nervous to say that time is really flying at the moment, which apparently is a sure sign that I am getting old......

It is also getting late, and in deference to my aforementioned aging, I'm going to make this quick and get to bed!

• We saw Star Trek for my birthday.  It was awesome.  I really truly really mean it.  Not just because I'm a huge nerd marrying a huge nerd who I watched the movie with.  Not just because I grew up watching every straing of Star Trek that crossed the screen. Not just becuase I had a 10 year old's crush on Wesley, and later on Tom Paris.....I mean it because it was great! While some don't agree.... (check this blog out for a good chuckle at people taking it all at little too seriously..) we enjoyed it so much that we even went to see it again with our dear friends Stuart and Jacqui and deemed it a GREAT MOVIE on the basis that it is very very rare that all 4 of us agree to like a movie.  

Yup, go see it.  

• I turned 25, and not only did Mark plan an amazing day for me, (pictures to follow at a later date..) he also planned a small suprise get together with some of our friends to eat wings and watch the Hockey. woot woot. He's so great. Yay Mark.
  
  
• We got our keys to our new apartment! Sooooo exciting! Mark and I have been in there all weekend, cleaning and painting and getting our little home ready! I'll be moving in June 1st, and Mark will be staying with some YWAM friends, and then he will join me when we get married....in 47 days!!! Oh goodness!!!

The slightly fuzzy view looking into the apartment from the front door.

Our soon to be bedroom where I set up a suprise carpet picnic for my amazing fiance to reward him for all his hard work and make our first meal in our first house a special one!

Mark working hard scrubbing the ceilings. We got the living room, kitchen and bathroom all done in one night!

Our bathroom! Which (while you can't see it in the photo) is the same colour as Crest toothpaste. We did the ceiling white now though which is nice... :)

Mark smiling and relaxing enjoying our carpet picnic :)

• The wedding is fast approaching and we are still only just sending out invitations.  Whoops. For more info check out www.markandhill.com  yup, go do that now!

Ok bed time

Love love

Hill

Scones....

So I've been here in Vancouver for nearly 4 years now ( I know, who can believe it!?) and when I first arrived I went through several week long phases where I would obsessively bake anything that reminded me of New Zealand.

One week it was 2 dozen pink and brown lamingtons, which I took to work to wow the colleagues with, one week it was 3 dozen anzac biscuits, and for work last summer when I was catering meals for our summer program, I managed (with the help of Jana and a very large industrial stand mixer) 8 dozen mini pavlovas in one night.  I even started (for 4 months) a out of my kitchen meat pie company, aptly named Kiwigirl Pies, and marketed my wares to Mark's more than willing rugby teammates.

But I couldnt' do scones. Since I was a kid I was scared of them, so simple, yet so easy to mess up. I remember telling so many people "yup, I can bake just about anything,just not a decent scone" sad. And I called myself a kiwi.

But then, after flatting with several north americans I discovered American "biscuits". Hang on, this looks somewhat like a scone. Except more complex and with more stuff in it.....

hmmm, maybe, just maybe, if I can do these I MIGHT be able to pull off a scone....

And now I can.  Oat and Honey scones, Raisin scones, savoury chicken herb scones, and plain old "put some jam and cream on it" scones....

It's a beautiful and simple thing, yummy warm scones out of the oven....mmmmmmm

Flakey at best...

I feel sick.

Today we watched "Human Trafficking" (2005 Christian Duguay) and now I don't want to go to bed. The title is not a pun or hint. It's a movie about the trafficking of humans for sex around the world.

I can feel my brain, overfull, heavy between my ears, full of noise and pictures and thoughts that I don't want. Numbers and faces and facts and realities of the (dont' be offended now) SHIT that goes on in this world.

And the scary thing is that I've felt this way before.

It's 11.30, so the timing is pretty much perfect, but this time I'm sitting at home, at my computer with only 3 roommates at home, already in bed, and I'm alone. Last time, I was in my tiny corner of my DTS home with my 14 other roommates all clamouring and crying and trying to work through our horror after watching "Hotel Rwanda" during Jamie's Missional Living week.  

I thought I would puke then too.

The numbers of people, the faces, the pain, the depravity of the human soul that looks on another as a means of profit, something to be bought or traded, and enough to justify murder and abuse and lose of childhood and innocence. That one human being is worth more than another.

I ache, knowing that while both "Human Trafficking" and "Hotel Rwanda" are fictional films, both are only too true to the harsh realities of this world, and I have cried so many tears, then and now and so many days in between, desperate for mercy, retribution, justice.....

And yet....I know I've been here before, so tomorrow, I know I'll feel better.

On the assumption that I manage to fall asleep soon, I'll wake up tomorrow, only a few nightmares worse for wear, I'll pray a little, I'll start my day, and slowly, every day, it'll fade a little more, until I feel better again.

But those girls will still be there......the hopeful mail order brides to be will still burn with betrayal when their internet love sells them as a slave......the child who's parent sells them to a "talent recruiter" will still be there, in the hope of a better future.....the 'sex tourists' that plan brothels like trips to the beach or the museum as part of their vacation itinerary will still be there.....the internet, the street walkers, the pimps, the Johns, their wives.....it'll all still be there.....

How does it line up?

I remember being told when I was younger that I was a flake.  So quick to feel deep emotion, cry and let my heart bleed, and then pick up again until the next crisis. Valley to valley, never thinking how to change that valley, or being able to be at peace that the place I am in, has valleys enough, and I can't commit to it all, I can't cry for it all, no matter how deeply i feel it, how much it hurts.....So now I feel flakey at best.....waiting for tomorrow....

Moving on....

It's so strange....I'm writing this as I sit in my kitchen, while several people traipse through as part of our land lord's house viewing.

It's nearing the 6 week mark of when we will sadly leave this beautiful house, and move on to all the different paths that we are taking, and close this chapter of our lives.  It's been an interesting 2 years at 2736 East Georgia.  2 engagements, a couple of breakups, lots of coffee, tears and laughter, many late nights, parties, dinners, hugs, kisses, hundreds of loads of laundry, many barbeques, and more grumpy PMS days than we'd like to admit to!

But I know that I know that each of us is moving on a little older, a little more ready to face the world out there, and a little more close to each other and (I hope) to God, and an understanding of what community missional living can mean.

I ate perogie casserole for the first time in this house, I was proposed to in this house, and I've cooked 4 turkeys in this house, just to name a few milestones that have come to pass....

And now I'm getting married.

I'm leaving this house to move to my first house as Mrs. Mark Bergshoeff, which is exciting and scary and funny and strange and confusing and wonderful and.......you get the idea.

Who knew that on May 29th, 2005 I would be starting this journey, stepping on a plane, leaving New Zealand, and stepping into such a big chapter of my life here on the other side of the world. Vancouver is not quite the antipode of Auckland (http://www.antipodemap.com/) but it certainly feels like I have flown further from the nest than I originally planned.

Saying that though, in that (nearly) 4  years, I HAVE been to the antipode, to Spain, and to Morocco, to Scotland, England, Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Australia, and the USA. 

What an adventure.......

oh, and p.s.: I know I don't blog much, so check for more frequent updates on our new wedding website for the Hillary and Mark Bergshoeff famiy...

Spiritually Dehabituate

Spiritually Dehabituate  "breaks us out of old habits, awaken the soul from inertia, renew spiritual energy and insight, and redefine us as people who live 'awed' lives".

(Kendra Creasy Den Practicing Passion)

Don't know about you, but that's a good thing to read Monday morning, to reflect and pray and ask God for a moment today to 'spiritually dehabituate' my day to day.  

I'm trying to get back into my old habit of getting up early (6.30?) and staying awake and productive and enjoying the quiet and solitude of the dark winter morning.  For those of you who have done the communal housing thing, you will know what that quiet hour feels like before any of your 4 flatmates stir...That peace and dark calm that rests on the house, while everyone sleeps.  Solitude has always been a hard one for me, the fierce extrovert in me fights it with every fibre, equating it with loneliness, with emptiness, with silence. But, when I perservere, fight from retreating to my duvet and pillow, I find in that quiet the comfort and companionship of my Saviour.  How long has he been sitting in my living room waiting for me to wake up?

Last year, 2008 that is, saw me participating in my friend Gwen's trial bible study project for her thesis.  It was so good to work through the Gospel of Matthew, page by page, chapter by chapter, reading the words and meditating on the words and actions of my Lord, starting my day journalling out the busy thoughts so I could focus again on the one who is always supposed to be front and centre in my field of view.

May today be a day to spiritually dehabituate, to break out, to stretch your weary soul up to the sun, and remember the awe you felt the first day you realised God loved you.