Moving on

So I've spent a lot of time on this blog in the last year upset, a cathartic release valve into the openness of the internet, for better or worse, vaguely throwing my tantrums for some relief.
The written word has always helped me feel a little more "together" when I can take 5 minutes to sit down, and funnel myself, my all over the place emotional self into little black shapes on the screen.
It's helpful, to compose myself in composing (see what I did there) and I know I need to do it more. And I have been, sort of, if not here, on scraps of paper, in notebooks, in sand, in frosting, just bit by bit finding the closure I need to finish of 2011.
In a lot of ways 2011 has sucked. Mark has been injured and sick. I've been sick and hospitalised twice. We've had job change, home change, family change, hope deferred, doors closed. Tears of pain and grief.

In a LOT of ways 2011 has been awesome. Fantastic time spent with family and friends, travel, love, hope renewed, health regained. Tears of life and laughter and joy.

We move forward, and God holds us together, and we keep going. We keep going because at Christmas we celebrate God with us, God with skin in, God here in our day to day, Emmanuel.

Merry Christmas

The sound of silence

Sorry it's been a while.
I know my last blog post was pretty grim (ok so they pretty much all have been recently) but hey work with what you've got right.
I did mean to post again and try and be a little more cheerful, but for one, that's easier said than done, and for two, I was feeling a little guilty about all of my emotional tirades without actually putting in the framework of our grief and honestly explaining all my rants and ravings to those of you who are actually still reading who don't already know.
Was feeling quite indulgent and arrogant about swimming in my frustration and pain when God knows there is a big huge world out there with MUCH larger problems, and from my first world little life that really is all together peaceful I should probably count my blessings on my fingers and toes, probably 4 or 5 times, and be quiet.
The sun has been shining, the birds have been singing, we've had good friends visiting, hanging out, eating, laughing, relaxing together, work is good, life is ticking on.
But I feel hollow, and that I can't deny.
I was given a ticket to a beautiful choral performance on Saturday night. It was the summer finale for the Vancouver Summer Chor, (Thanks Laura S!) a mishmash group of amazing singers from all over Vancouver who take a break from their more regular more structured choirs to sing and have fun together through the summer, and then end in one big performance, where on one hand they dazzle, and perform with excellence, and then on the other hand they invite members of the audience to come and sing favourite movements with them, welcoming others into their excellence, in a relaxed manor that seems so rare from more classical performances.
They did half the show with excerpts from Handel's Messiah (this was where audience participation was welcomed given the ubiquitous-ness of these pieces) and I have to admit I even chirped along to the soprano part of the Hallelujah Chorus (thanks to church choir for that one!) and it brought tears to my eyes. There were probably 150 people in the choir, and another 400 present to watch, and simply by the laws of averages there was a lot of heart break in that room. People sick, people dying, people grieving, people lost, people in the middle of life changing transition and adjustment. And then little old me, chirping along, and then melting back into a puddle to listen to the rest (including AMAZING presentations of Mozart's Requiem)

Now I know that I could get a lot of response about this, and sure, feel free to comment, I'd love a good discussion, but while I know that it's next to impossible that all the people singing there that night were really realising what they were singing, that there really was a camaraderie that was soul deep, in knowingly giving glory to God, it was still a hugely worshipful thing.
Even if they didn't know it, 400+ people were singing at the top of their lungs, Hallelujah to God in heaven! in the middle of Vancouver, one of the most secular and post-Christian cities I've ever lived, and know it or not, there was great spiritual significance to the whole night.

And it made me feel a little better.

Bless the one who invented morphine.

I have been thinking about pain a lot recently.

Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, spiritual pain.

As a birth doula I've seen lots of pain, meaningful, productive pain, contracting muscles, new life coming into the world. And also some pretty horrific pain, suffering, agonizing pain, needing rescue, needing treatment, pain that didn't go anywhere.

As a babysitter, aunty, godmum and a kid once upon a time, I've seen childhood pain, scraped knees, shampoo in eyes, sisterly hair pulls and brotherly punches. Pain springing from learning, new relationships, testing boundaries.

As a woman, I've felt heart break, distance, relationship failure, illness, death of those I love so dear, loss. Pain that seemed senseless, and almost a punishment for the day to day joy of the life I've chosen.

I had a friend once who told me that pain was good and should be cherished. It was our world's way of telling us something was wrong, something was not as it should be, a marker of something that needed to be fixed. And he was a little right you know, but also so very wrong.

Pain can lead to change which can be good, can lead to learning and growth and maturity, and in our broken fallen world pain is an absolutely inescapable part of our lives, at some point or other.

A doctor told me this week that pain can come just from something passing, cells dying, moving on. And then the pain will go away. Expect it to hurt. Take the help and treatment offered. And know that it will all go away.

I've looked into my dear husband Mark's deep, loving, kind blue eyes so many times in the last 3 weeks and said 'This isn't how this was supposed to be' and he has held my hand, and said 'you're right, it isn't, but we'll get through it'. It will get get better, it will hurt less.

But pain is not how it was supposed to be. Pain, by the grace of God, doesn't have to be the end of the story. It may be a stop along the way, but one day there will be no more pain, no more sadness, no more death, and He WILL wipe every tear from our eyes. And that will be how it was supposed to be.

Personality tests

These are my favourite procrastination tool, especially ones that give you pretty pictures.

Apparently, this is me when I'm summed up in a colourful box.
Well ok, several colourful boxes.

Advocating Inventor

My personalDNA Report

Sunshine and cookies

It was beautiful outside today, and fresh air made me breathe in deeply, warm and real.

It's been 8 days. Where does the time go.

I know it's been vague on this blog so far about all that has been going on in our lives, if you want to know more details, feel free to ask, for now I'm going to keep going exactly as is. If this frustrates you, you know where the little red 'x' is or how to use your 'back' button. If not feel free to keep reading.

Memories are a strange thing. Grief and memories together are even stranger.

Everything reminds you of something else, something you had, something you hoped for, and missing things becomes tangible, salty and stinging at the same time, like seawater when you get dumped on the beach by a rough wave. You dream of all the alternatives, all the possibilities, and it's easy to forget what was. Good and bad. Or maybe you just remember what you were supposed to?

We are having a dinner party with some dear friends in two weeks. We had been thinking for the last week or so what the theme of this party should be, and tonight I decided.

"Summer favourites"

We are going to get together and share food and stories and memories, and relish the joy that is now. Vancouver can be a bitingly lonely city, but today, it was sunshiny. And I baked really good cookies. Let me know if you want to come over and eat some. It should be sunny and warm out tomorrow....

Grief in summer

I was speaking with my dear friend Angela this week, and talking about how while on one hand our lives can make us want to shout from the mountain tops and dance, there are days where we want to hide in the dark, quiet and alone, just listening to our breath, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the next drama won't see us, or will wash right over us, giving a gentle reprieve.

But the longer you hide the more numb you feel, and the stranger the world seems when you eventually emerge. So I'm emerging. Well sort of. Still not quite ready for both feet. But here's my toe in the waters of blogging and life.

We just had a sermon series at church about seasons of faith and life, one sunday for each season, and with all our travelling and busyness we missed the week on 'winter' which was the one that felt the closest to how I feel right now, the season I'm in. We are full of grief and pain and sadness right now. We are in winter.

So I didn't want to go on Sunday. I didn't want to be around happy church people. I didn't want to be asked how I was doing, I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to talk about the summer of my faith.

After hiding in the dark, the sun is so bright it hurts your eyes, and you feel like somehow the dinginess of the darkness is still clinging to you too, and you are exposed.

But I did go. And I did cry. Because I know that even though grief and pain and loss are real, and summer feels a world away, it's still inevitable. Whether it's this world or the next, summer is inevitable. That season of taking a big deep warm breath of fresh air and life, and knowing that it will never be taken away again; that season is coming. It might be a world away right now, today, but it's on its way.

Trevor talked about how when we are in bad times, the temptation is to look behind us, at the good times, and yearn, nostalgically, for what is past and who is lost and who we are not anymore. So much so we can get ourselves stuck looking backwards. But God taught Israel that when we look back and see those good things in our past, we should be grateful, yes, and miss it, sure, but that it should remind us of just how much more there is still to be given, and all that is inevitably yet to come. Good things should be Ebenezers, markers of God's goodness, to keep us moving forward, not taunting reminders of all that we've lost.

I have a lot of people to thank from the last month or so. Friends and family who have listened and cried, and prayed, and hugged, thank you for walking with us. You know who you are. We are truly blessed.

I know I'm a huge nerd for what I am about to say, but I've been listening to a lot of Sinatra lately, and the song 'The Best Is Yet to Come' I know that Sinatra is the king of the lounge, but my nerdy Star-trek loving self still loves this version the best............

Favourite line? You think you've seen the sun? You ain't seen nothing yet!

Two sides of the same coin

So over the last couple of weeks things have taken a turn for the crazy, and I'm feeling more and more aware that so many experiences in our lives are just opposite sides of the same coin.

We see the one experience, or the one piece of information from two totally different perspectives based on the time of day, whether you're hungry or whether you're wearing your favourite socks while eating your favourite meal.

And the power to be objective seems so far away.

So much joy, love and hope, and so much confusion, exhaustion and discouragement.

But in the midst of it, God is still so good.

I believe in a thing called love

It's been a crazy few weeks, and I just sent out a really tough newsletter yesterday, with some of the stuff that's been going on.

I know I've hinted here about how we've been either sad or sleep deprived or overwhelmed.

But yeah. That's all true. But that doesn't have to be the whole story.

I was talking to a really good friend today, my dearest Laura-loo, and while we don't always see eye to eye on everything, we have been through a lot, and she is so special to me. And both of us have been through some ups and downs today, and she said to me today 'there's something really important about just choosing to be happy. I like myself better when i'm happy, so i'm going to be happy'

Now I get that you can't just pretend that everything is rosy all the time, but this morning I woke up with the realisation that discouragement is an insidious and scarily effective tool of the enemy. That sneaky voice that connects everything to everything else, that says that this one new thing is just that next link in your chain of failures and bad news and that you really are a failure. Like Gloria in Modern Family said 'you didn't just do one thing wrong, you do everything wrong.....if you do that I kill you!' (slightly out of context, but *shrug*

Just before we got married, our pastors gave us a couple of marriage books to read, and one of them talked about a "Habit of Happiness"

Choosing to look at the things of your day to day life, yes, as parts of a whole, but also just as individual parts that while they can really truly deeply suck and drain you of all your energy, don't have to rule you. Choosing joy and choosing life isn't easy, and it's one of those things I am even hesitant to write about because it's like when you were in sunday school and they told you to pray for patience, and then everything is harder, more annoying and takes longer and you realise that's how patience grows. What happens when I say 'damn you discouragement (in the fullest sense of those loaded words) I am choosing joy.

Monday was our 2 year wedding anniversary. Two years ago on the 4th of July, 2009, Mark and I became man and wife. It's not always easy, it's not always dignified, but I am so happy that I get to live out life with my best friend. Especially after weeks like this when I know we are in it together....... I was reading my dear friends' blog today (http://www.teampallister.com) and I stumbled on their ultimate road trip playlist....and I found this song....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

I always said I would play it at my wedding, but some how it slipped my mind..(plus my dad said he would leave if i did hehehe)

Have a listen, and enjoy, in honour of my dear husband Mark, believe in a thing called love :)

Sleep deprivation

Sleep deprivation is a funny thing

I've found that when I don't sleep, my hearing gets much sharper. But then all the noises that I now hear are filtered through a much more sleep deprived brain and I find myself getting a little paranoid. It's a bad combination.

I'm on my lunch break (good) eating left over chicken vindaloo with brown basmati rice (good) and listening to 'Praise You' by Fat Boy Slim (gooood) to calm my somewhat edgy nerves.

I took my morning break outside on the front steps of the house and there was something oddly soothing about the blustery wind and misty rain. Plus I was eating the last of the fresh wholewheat oatmeal scones I made on Sunday morning with some yummy strawberry jam. It's all in the small things right?

We have to buy a car this month. Mark started a new job, and while pretty much everything about it is better than his last job, the one proviso on his hire was that we need to buy a car for him to get to job sites. it all sounds a little scary and grown up and used car lots give me the heebeejeebees, but I suppose it's one of those inevitable grown up things.

Seems there have been a lot of those recently, I'm not sure if I'm adjusting quite as well as I thought I was.

You know what's really weird. I just had a massive de ja vous moment. They changed something in the Matrix. oh no.

It's so quiet

It's really quiet at 4am.

Well 4.13 right now to be exact

Before you ask why I'm awake and blogging at 4am, let's just pretend you didn't.

Let's just say, it's really quiet at 4am

I sit at a computer from 9-5 every day, and have done since I started at the Project Funding Office last May. It's strange to think it's been more than a year now, especially with how comfortable it feels, and how much I enjoy my work. I know so many people bemoan the humble desk job (especially the ones that 'pay' like mine in YWAM!!) but i'm (somewhat) proud to say that I really love admin. The numbers, the order, the filing, the databases, all ring of order I don't know anywhere else. So much of my life is made up of crazy extremes and moving from one plan to the next that there is something so appealing about the order that comes with running the perfect donation query so you can sort a list of 6000 people into the exact 1986 person sample you need.

oh and I get to be there to process funds and email people when their fevered prayers for provision for amazing, inspired, life giving projects in every corner of the world come to fruition after a generous donor follows the prompting of the Spirit to give.....those are the best emails and phone calls.

But it's still really quiet at 4am. The clicking of the keyboard seems a lot louder, echoing a little, a little obscene, disturbing the peace.....but it's comforting too.

In the dark, in the quiet, it means that there's still noise somewhere, that those distant corners are waking up, or in the middle of their day and God still works, He never slumbers or sleeps, He is still taking care of his kids, in the noise and in the quiet of 4am too.

And the time it keeps on passing...

So I'm ready to admit that I'm a little bit rubbish about blogging....and I will not repeat my mistake to make any promises about how much I am going to blog now and when these blogs will happen.

But I think today is just one of those days when I just need to write. If noone reads it, it doesn't really matter either, but there's something good about just having it out there, in the nether, in the hope that maybe the wind or the birds will reply...

Things are going well, though I can hardly believe that 2011 is already half gone. And given that my last entry here was in 2010, it's not surprising it feels there's a lot that hasn't been said.

It's been a year of changes and adjustments, and no matter how far into the year we get, it still feels like I'm waiting for the winds of change to come and tell me yet a different story.

In bullet points the last 6 months to bring us up to speed.....

1. We moved house, from our little Parker Street basement, to another basement just off Commercial Drive
2. Mark started a new job, still in joinery, but in a much better situation
3. We have to buy a car (for aforementioned job) which is quite scary and grown up
4. I have been working at Project Funding for nearly 18 months
5. We've been married for nearly 2 years (only 8 more days!!!)
6. I've lived in Canada for 6 years (give or take a few months of YWAM travelling)
7. We are applying for my permanent residence here in Canada
8. I have completed the requirements for my birth doula certification

We've been watching 'House' lately, and there was an episode about blogging, and about how cathartic it can be to be on the internet, connected to the great unseen body of others just like you, that you never meet or that you've known your whole life, but don't really get to talk to.

I wonder......

sometimes i think about starting a new blog, where i can wrap myself in the blanket of anonymity, and spill forth all the dreams and ideas that continue to spin around in my head, but that are just that little bit too new or too personal to really said out loud. To be real enough to put into writing next to my own name.

But for now I'm here, and for now this is what we've got.

End of an era and on to the next

So I know it might seem a tad dramatic to label the last 18+ months as an era all of their own, but there was something moving and pathetic (in the proper english sense of the word) and yet also joyfully exciting and fresh about today.

We moved house today, and with the help of some dear friends, it really wasn't so bad. It was a really really fast process that we decided to move (I'll post about that some other time) and so for the last 10 days or so my life has felt absorbed with the flurry of planning, prep, cleaning and packing.

and today as i stood in our empty living room, I was flooded with memories of the first months of our married life. Looking at the place for the first time, excited, wondering how it was all going to work out, long summer days painting and cleaning and making it ours, having picnics on the floor before we moved furniture in, snuggling watching movies on my battered old laptop.

And then getting married, and then having it be our first place, just us, to enjoy together, to clean and decorate and host and love and share life and joy together and with others. We've been so blessed by our little apartment on Parker street, and as I stood in the doorway and turned the lock, I felt so peaceful knowing what a happy home it was.

And now, in my new place, as I sit and type on Mark's neatly set up computer (first thing to be fully unpacked and assembled of course!) I'm excited for all that lies ahead here in our new chapter....

pictures of the new place coming soon.......

So I was all inspired to write this morning's post, and then my laptop cord (which is a giant fraying mess of stupidity) decided to go on the fritz and I just spent the last couple of minutes shaking it and bending it to try and make the remaining few cords connect together in such a way that my computer will actually keep running long enough for me to type this paragraph.

That being said I can no longer remember what this post was going to be about.

My Facebook status today says "if only decisions in life could be made in full confidence by flipping a coin and going with it"

Now this is a warning immediately to everyone who wants clarity and specifics, you will not find that in this post. I will be vague, unclear and confusing, but it's my blog and I'll process if I want to.

It feels like as you get older every decision becomes more weighted. There are more variables, more risks, more costs, more benefits, more wonder, more excitement, more implications and all at the same time there is suddenly less too; less time, less money, less certainty.......

And I love being married. Mark is my best friend, and I couldn't have ordered a better fit and compliment for me in this life. But now there's two of us to think about, and there's always two sides to everything.

And so when the big decision comes, what do you do? Pray, and then leap for your life.

I wonder about wonder

I'm really not trying to be too clever with that title, I really did spend a significant amount of time wondering yesterday about where my wonder had gone.

I'd spent most of the day bundled up to keep the cold out, and trying to keep a smile on my face as everyone around me got more and more excited about the coming snow fall, the first snow of winter.

I don't like snow. I don't like cold. I don't like ice. But I said, I WILL have a good attitude about it, and I will not ruin this for my friends....especially not for Mark who desperately loves the chill of winter, and all that comes with it.

We had some friends over for dinner (YAY DTS!!!) played board games (Quelf legend 2010) and then finally it was time to go around 11.20pm. But our friend Ian stayed around and we decided to go out, and visit our local.....and of course it was snowing.

Slowly but surely Mark and Ian got more and more excited, and were just enjoying themselves so much, and it reminded me of the first time I saw snow here in Vancouver. Way back in the DTS house, when Krista and Jill woke me up at 5.30 on their way to dryland training, and there was snow on the ground, and big fat fluffy flakes falling...I ran outside in my PJs, and gumboots and coat and just laughed, eating snow flakes and giggling under the streetlights....I even enjoyed the 20 minute walk through the park, able to put aside the outlandish fear of being eaten by a polar bear.

So what happened to all that joy and wonder? When did I become such a grinch about all this snow?
So you know what I did? Had a 30 minute snowball fight at 2am.

And I feel better for it.

It's a Snuggie!

So for those of you unfamiliar with the Snuggie revolution, check out this link......

http://www.mysnuggiestore.com

or

http://www.theslanket.com/

but most importantly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iUo_qdekwI

It's cold here. It's as if it suddenly remember that we are halfway through November and it's been beautiful and sunny and bright. Today was different. And my warmth loving body was sad and shivery. Until Rita let me wear her Snuggie, so I could be both warm, and productive......oh happy day......

You can answer the phone and stay cosy and warm...

Or use your computer...

Or drink tea and laugh maniacally.......ahem.......

Pork and Laughing

So yesterday was full of good laughs.

A JW leprechaun, the best Modern Family of season 2, and the Celine Dion hour of power.

I fully intended to blog, but got entirely carried away with fun girls night with Hannah, making sweet and sour pork and watching Inception.

Now I know the jury is still out for some people on Inception, and whether it's real or not, whether it's good or not, whether it's clever or not. But really, I don't care. People who know me know that I like a good debate, pulling and teasing at ideas and issues. But when it comes to my two current media loves (Inception and Modern Family) I really don't even care to debate. I'm just happy to sit and immerse myself in both and fully just enjoy it, regardless of who likes it or not.

Flash mob anybody? I feel like my youth is slipping away from me.....

so i feel like I'm losing momentum

I know I missed yesterday.....but I was taking a break. Sunday. resting. It was good.

Today I worked. Well, mostly. We had a surprise visit from the parents of a very good friend, moved some luggage and furniture, and then had a really yummy lunch at the Reef. And then we worked.

Really there's not a lot else to say. The rain has arrived, the leaves are ankle deep, and tonight the wind and lightning were up with a vengeance.

Which means, that it's time for me to be in bed.

I'll do better tomorrow....promise....

Geek optimism

So I originally wrote a post all about roller coasters and life and how in just 24 hours, everything can be amazing and fun (thanks Pam, Jacqui, Rene, and Hannah) and then you are sick all night, in a pathetic ball on the couch, unable to sleep because there is an alien beast trying to claw it's way out of your bladder....

But then I deleted it, and I am going to share with you my one peacefilled geeky optimistic moment that has carried over all the drama of my short lived and nasty sickness of last night/today.

In the grand scheme of things, I have it really really good.

So it's been forever

I know most people have given up on my blog, but that almost makes me want to blog more, just to see if anyone is still watching...

I'm going to post something every day, I don't promise anything particularly bright, or shiny, or anything really, but I know I need to write more, so here goes...

For today, I thought I would give you a bullet pointed list of the things that have given me joy so far today....

1. It wasn't raining, infact it was BEAUTIFUL.
2. My amazing Mark being patient and kind and cheering me up when I felt blue this afternoon
3. The delightfully eccentric old couple i saw driving in a little green yaris this morning, decorated with Christmas tinsel, car raindeer antlers, and a big red rudolph nose.
4. The otherwise unremarkable house on Penticton that has a totally empty yard, except for the big fountain of a chubby cherub riding a water spraying dolphin.
5. Reruns of Modern Family
6. My dear Rene visiting from Oregon
7. Autumn leaves.

See you tomorrow......

Happy 2010!

So who would have guessed we would be here. 2010. I distinctly remember watching Beyond 2000 with my dad, and marveling at how by now we would be teleporting, riding segueways upstairs and everywhere, and eating environmentally conscious food which delivered all the necessary vitamins to fight whatever ailment you had on the day while simultaneously eliminating world hunger.........

hmmm

Anyways

It's been a huge year to look back on, so at the risk of turning this into a very pensive retrospective navel gazing ramble, I'm going to look forward.

To kick off 2010, and in response to some rather unpleasant bouts of ill health and frustration for both of us in the last 6 months, Mark and I decided to start a cleanse. Starting the new year off on a good track digestively seemed to be a good way to put the rest of the systems in order, you are what you eat etc etc etc. Following that, on feeling more healthy, and Mark's legs now having had a 2 seasons off rugby to heal and recover, we are also on a plan to start a regular exercise regime. So in the manner of all things internet and blog, I'm opening a little window and sharing with you our journey, and even if noone reads these thoughts, at least it will prove as record for me!

Plus, by putting it all down on a post, it makes it possible for me to indulge in something I have been wanting to do for ages........a recipe blog!!! So what better time than when we have decided to do Phase one of the South Beach Diet, and have had a rather restrictive list of foods we can eat for the two weeks of this cleanse.

Now before you start the tirade of "oh no, not another fad crash diet!!" I did lots of reading and while I am skeptical, I'm also impressed by the amount of fairly balance literature out there about this whole thing, and really, what can really be bad about an eating plan (intentional omission of the D word) that is low GI, high in fibre, high in vegetables, low in sugar, and low in fat. And if it doesn't work as it's supposed to, then it's two weeks of our lives eating lots of veggies and learning new cooking techniques.

For those of you who don't know anything about the South Beach Diet, there are loads of websites out there, and a couple of ones I liked while I was researching are listed at the bottom of this post.

So, I hope you will be patient, and indulge me as I ponder food, excercise, self image, communion and community, and hopefully some of your comments about all of this.

Next two posts will be our first two favourite recipes from Phase one:

High Protein Miso soup and "Spaghetti [squash] and meatballs"

SBD resources and information

http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/diets/south_beach_diet/

http://weightloss.about.com/cs/diets/a/aa060403a.htm

http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com/