Hiatus...

Though, I guess that isn't really the correct term given that to consider this a break would have meant that there was regularly something happening here, and the absence of such could have been termed a hiatus....
Sigh
That's just semantics I guess, born of late night emo....
I wish I would post on here more, keep to my wish of keeping you updated, filling you in, keeping in touch, doing my share... but then sometimes I wonder if I have anything real to say, or if I say anything too real if I will let the wrong thing out of the bag, let my guard down too far, and someone out there will see right through me....
It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog, and even now I think back to a conversation I had with a colleague here who said "I always read people's blogs here now, I find that there's one story I get face to face and one that they write on their blog. One has to be a lie, cuz it's always the opposite of what the other one is...I just have to figure out which one...."
I don't think it's so much a lie, just the safe warm blanket of anonymity...(thank you mission impossible writers) and the fact you can say whatever you please without having to see a quivering lip or a pitying eye or someone's baffled wonderment at the oddness of your behaviour or situation.....It's a selfish cathartic noise....release.....putting yourself out there without instant reprisal....
I'm sick, and some of this rant probably comes from the combination of Buckleys, vicks, throat spray and Advil cold and sinus gel tabs (2) that i just took in an effort to sleep. this post though is evidence to the aforementioned medicines ineffectiveness.
It's strange. After 3 weeks of stress and busy and worry and thinking and trying desperately to trust and wait out the storm, now in the calm that lies after, I'm just left feeling sick and spent, and wondering now what to do. The thing about a fight is that you are so busy watching for the next onslaught and anticipating the next move, ducking and slashing, that the stillness of peace, and the settling of dust, make you even more edgy than you began.......I'm back to the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop..waiting for what you really deserve, are scared to admit, that you are really found out......