Flakey at best...

I feel sick.

Today we watched "Human Trafficking" (2005 Christian Duguay) and now I don't want to go to bed. The title is not a pun or hint. It's a movie about the trafficking of humans for sex around the world.

I can feel my brain, overfull, heavy between my ears, full of noise and pictures and thoughts that I don't want. Numbers and faces and facts and realities of the (dont' be offended now) SHIT that goes on in this world.

And the scary thing is that I've felt this way before.

It's 11.30, so the timing is pretty much perfect, but this time I'm sitting at home, at my computer with only 3 roommates at home, already in bed, and I'm alone. Last time, I was in my tiny corner of my DTS home with my 14 other roommates all clamouring and crying and trying to work through our horror after watching "Hotel Rwanda" during Jamie's Missional Living week.  

I thought I would puke then too.

The numbers of people, the faces, the pain, the depravity of the human soul that looks on another as a means of profit, something to be bought or traded, and enough to justify murder and abuse and lose of childhood and innocence. That one human being is worth more than another.

I ache, knowing that while both "Human Trafficking" and "Hotel Rwanda" are fictional films, both are only too true to the harsh realities of this world, and I have cried so many tears, then and now and so many days in between, desperate for mercy, retribution, justice.....

And yet....I know I've been here before, so tomorrow, I know I'll feel better.

On the assumption that I manage to fall asleep soon, I'll wake up tomorrow, only a few nightmares worse for wear, I'll pray a little, I'll start my day, and slowly, every day, it'll fade a little more, until I feel better again.

But those girls will still be there......the hopeful mail order brides to be will still burn with betrayal when their internet love sells them as a slave......the child who's parent sells them to a "talent recruiter" will still be there, in the hope of a better future.....the 'sex tourists' that plan brothels like trips to the beach or the museum as part of their vacation itinerary will still be there.....the internet, the street walkers, the pimps, the Johns, their wives.....it'll all still be there.....

How does it line up?

I remember being told when I was younger that I was a flake.  So quick to feel deep emotion, cry and let my heart bleed, and then pick up again until the next crisis. Valley to valley, never thinking how to change that valley, or being able to be at peace that the place I am in, has valleys enough, and I can't commit to it all, I can't cry for it all, no matter how deeply i feel it, how much it hurts.....So now I feel flakey at best.....waiting for tomorrow....