I believe in a thing called love

It's been a crazy few weeks, and I just sent out a really tough newsletter yesterday, with some of the stuff that's been going on.

I know I've hinted here about how we've been either sad or sleep deprived or overwhelmed.

But yeah. That's all true. But that doesn't have to be the whole story.

I was talking to a really good friend today, my dearest Laura-loo, and while we don't always see eye to eye on everything, we have been through a lot, and she is so special to me. And both of us have been through some ups and downs today, and she said to me today 'there's something really important about just choosing to be happy. I like myself better when i'm happy, so i'm going to be happy'

Now I get that you can't just pretend that everything is rosy all the time, but this morning I woke up with the realisation that discouragement is an insidious and scarily effective tool of the enemy. That sneaky voice that connects everything to everything else, that says that this one new thing is just that next link in your chain of failures and bad news and that you really are a failure. Like Gloria in Modern Family said 'you didn't just do one thing wrong, you do everything wrong.....if you do that I kill you!' (slightly out of context, but *shrug*

Just before we got married, our pastors gave us a couple of marriage books to read, and one of them talked about a "Habit of Happiness"

Choosing to look at the things of your day to day life, yes, as parts of a whole, but also just as individual parts that while they can really truly deeply suck and drain you of all your energy, don't have to rule you. Choosing joy and choosing life isn't easy, and it's one of those things I am even hesitant to write about because it's like when you were in sunday school and they told you to pray for patience, and then everything is harder, more annoying and takes longer and you realise that's how patience grows. What happens when I say 'damn you discouragement (in the fullest sense of those loaded words) I am choosing joy.

Monday was our 2 year wedding anniversary. Two years ago on the 4th of July, 2009, Mark and I became man and wife. It's not always easy, it's not always dignified, but I am so happy that I get to live out life with my best friend. Especially after weeks like this when I know we are in it together....... I was reading my dear friends' blog today (http://www.teampallister.com) and I stumbled on their ultimate road trip playlist....and I found this song....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

I always said I would play it at my wedding, but some how it slipped my mind..(plus my dad said he would leave if i did hehehe)

Have a listen, and enjoy, in honour of my dear husband Mark, believe in a thing called love :)

Sleep deprivation

Sleep deprivation is a funny thing

I've found that when I don't sleep, my hearing gets much sharper. But then all the noises that I now hear are filtered through a much more sleep deprived brain and I find myself getting a little paranoid. It's a bad combination.

I'm on my lunch break (good) eating left over chicken vindaloo with brown basmati rice (good) and listening to 'Praise You' by Fat Boy Slim (gooood) to calm my somewhat edgy nerves.

I took my morning break outside on the front steps of the house and there was something oddly soothing about the blustery wind and misty rain. Plus I was eating the last of the fresh wholewheat oatmeal scones I made on Sunday morning with some yummy strawberry jam. It's all in the small things right?

We have to buy a car this month. Mark started a new job, and while pretty much everything about it is better than his last job, the one proviso on his hire was that we need to buy a car for him to get to job sites. it all sounds a little scary and grown up and used car lots give me the heebeejeebees, but I suppose it's one of those inevitable grown up things.

Seems there have been a lot of those recently, I'm not sure if I'm adjusting quite as well as I thought I was.

You know what's really weird. I just had a massive de ja vous moment. They changed something in the Matrix. oh no.

It's so quiet

It's really quiet at 4am.

Well 4.13 right now to be exact

Before you ask why I'm awake and blogging at 4am, let's just pretend you didn't.

Let's just say, it's really quiet at 4am

I sit at a computer from 9-5 every day, and have done since I started at the Project Funding Office last May. It's strange to think it's been more than a year now, especially with how comfortable it feels, and how much I enjoy my work. I know so many people bemoan the humble desk job (especially the ones that 'pay' like mine in YWAM!!) but i'm (somewhat) proud to say that I really love admin. The numbers, the order, the filing, the databases, all ring of order I don't know anywhere else. So much of my life is made up of crazy extremes and moving from one plan to the next that there is something so appealing about the order that comes with running the perfect donation query so you can sort a list of 6000 people into the exact 1986 person sample you need.

oh and I get to be there to process funds and email people when their fevered prayers for provision for amazing, inspired, life giving projects in every corner of the world come to fruition after a generous donor follows the prompting of the Spirit to give.....those are the best emails and phone calls.

But it's still really quiet at 4am. The clicking of the keyboard seems a lot louder, echoing a little, a little obscene, disturbing the peace.....but it's comforting too.

In the dark, in the quiet, it means that there's still noise somewhere, that those distant corners are waking up, or in the middle of their day and God still works, He never slumbers or sleeps, He is still taking care of his kids, in the noise and in the quiet of 4am too.

And the time it keeps on passing...

So I'm ready to admit that I'm a little bit rubbish about blogging....and I will not repeat my mistake to make any promises about how much I am going to blog now and when these blogs will happen.

But I think today is just one of those days when I just need to write. If noone reads it, it doesn't really matter either, but there's something good about just having it out there, in the nether, in the hope that maybe the wind or the birds will reply...

Things are going well, though I can hardly believe that 2011 is already half gone. And given that my last entry here was in 2010, it's not surprising it feels there's a lot that hasn't been said.

It's been a year of changes and adjustments, and no matter how far into the year we get, it still feels like I'm waiting for the winds of change to come and tell me yet a different story.

In bullet points the last 6 months to bring us up to speed.....

1. We moved house, from our little Parker Street basement, to another basement just off Commercial Drive
2. Mark started a new job, still in joinery, but in a much better situation
3. We have to buy a car (for aforementioned job) which is quite scary and grown up
4. I have been working at Project Funding for nearly 18 months
5. We've been married for nearly 2 years (only 8 more days!!!)
6. I've lived in Canada for 6 years (give or take a few months of YWAM travelling)
7. We are applying for my permanent residence here in Canada
8. I have completed the requirements for my birth doula certification

We've been watching 'House' lately, and there was an episode about blogging, and about how cathartic it can be to be on the internet, connected to the great unseen body of others just like you, that you never meet or that you've known your whole life, but don't really get to talk to.

I wonder......

sometimes i think about starting a new blog, where i can wrap myself in the blanket of anonymity, and spill forth all the dreams and ideas that continue to spin around in my head, but that are just that little bit too new or too personal to really said out loud. To be real enough to put into writing next to my own name.

But for now I'm here, and for now this is what we've got.

End of an era and on to the next

So I know it might seem a tad dramatic to label the last 18+ months as an era all of their own, but there was something moving and pathetic (in the proper english sense of the word) and yet also joyfully exciting and fresh about today.

We moved house today, and with the help of some dear friends, it really wasn't so bad. It was a really really fast process that we decided to move (I'll post about that some other time) and so for the last 10 days or so my life has felt absorbed with the flurry of planning, prep, cleaning and packing.

and today as i stood in our empty living room, I was flooded with memories of the first months of our married life. Looking at the place for the first time, excited, wondering how it was all going to work out, long summer days painting and cleaning and making it ours, having picnics on the floor before we moved furniture in, snuggling watching movies on my battered old laptop.

And then getting married, and then having it be our first place, just us, to enjoy together, to clean and decorate and host and love and share life and joy together and with others. We've been so blessed by our little apartment on Parker street, and as I stood in the doorway and turned the lock, I felt so peaceful knowing what a happy home it was.

And now, in my new place, as I sit and type on Mark's neatly set up computer (first thing to be fully unpacked and assembled of course!) I'm excited for all that lies ahead here in our new chapter....

pictures of the new place coming soon.......

So I was all inspired to write this morning's post, and then my laptop cord (which is a giant fraying mess of stupidity) decided to go on the fritz and I just spent the last couple of minutes shaking it and bending it to try and make the remaining few cords connect together in such a way that my computer will actually keep running long enough for me to type this paragraph.

That being said I can no longer remember what this post was going to be about.

My Facebook status today says "if only decisions in life could be made in full confidence by flipping a coin and going with it"

Now this is a warning immediately to everyone who wants clarity and specifics, you will not find that in this post. I will be vague, unclear and confusing, but it's my blog and I'll process if I want to.

It feels like as you get older every decision becomes more weighted. There are more variables, more risks, more costs, more benefits, more wonder, more excitement, more implications and all at the same time there is suddenly less too; less time, less money, less certainty.......

And I love being married. Mark is my best friend, and I couldn't have ordered a better fit and compliment for me in this life. But now there's two of us to think about, and there's always two sides to everything.

And so when the big decision comes, what do you do? Pray, and then leap for your life.

I wonder about wonder

I'm really not trying to be too clever with that title, I really did spend a significant amount of time wondering yesterday about where my wonder had gone.

I'd spent most of the day bundled up to keep the cold out, and trying to keep a smile on my face as everyone around me got more and more excited about the coming snow fall, the first snow of winter.

I don't like snow. I don't like cold. I don't like ice. But I said, I WILL have a good attitude about it, and I will not ruin this for my friends....especially not for Mark who desperately loves the chill of winter, and all that comes with it.

We had some friends over for dinner (YAY DTS!!!) played board games (Quelf legend 2010) and then finally it was time to go around 11.20pm. But our friend Ian stayed around and we decided to go out, and visit our local.....and of course it was snowing.

Slowly but surely Mark and Ian got more and more excited, and were just enjoying themselves so much, and it reminded me of the first time I saw snow here in Vancouver. Way back in the DTS house, when Krista and Jill woke me up at 5.30 on their way to dryland training, and there was snow on the ground, and big fat fluffy flakes falling...I ran outside in my PJs, and gumboots and coat and just laughed, eating snow flakes and giggling under the streetlights....I even enjoyed the 20 minute walk through the park, able to put aside the outlandish fear of being eaten by a polar bear.

So what happened to all that joy and wonder? When did I become such a grinch about all this snow?
So you know what I did? Had a 30 minute snowball fight at 2am.

And I feel better for it.

It's a Snuggie!

So for those of you unfamiliar with the Snuggie revolution, check out this link......

http://www.mysnuggiestore.com

or

http://www.theslanket.com/

but most importantly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iUo_qdekwI

It's cold here. It's as if it suddenly remember that we are halfway through November and it's been beautiful and sunny and bright. Today was different. And my warmth loving body was sad and shivery. Until Rita let me wear her Snuggie, so I could be both warm, and productive......oh happy day......

You can answer the phone and stay cosy and warm...

Or use your computer...

Or drink tea and laugh maniacally.......ahem.......

Pork and Laughing

So yesterday was full of good laughs.

A JW leprechaun, the best Modern Family of season 2, and the Celine Dion hour of power.

I fully intended to blog, but got entirely carried away with fun girls night with Hannah, making sweet and sour pork and watching Inception.

Now I know the jury is still out for some people on Inception, and whether it's real or not, whether it's good or not, whether it's clever or not. But really, I don't care. People who know me know that I like a good debate, pulling and teasing at ideas and issues. But when it comes to my two current media loves (Inception and Modern Family) I really don't even care to debate. I'm just happy to sit and immerse myself in both and fully just enjoy it, regardless of who likes it or not.

Flash mob anybody? I feel like my youth is slipping away from me.....

so i feel like I'm losing momentum

I know I missed yesterday.....but I was taking a break. Sunday. resting. It was good.

Today I worked. Well, mostly. We had a surprise visit from the parents of a very good friend, moved some luggage and furniture, and then had a really yummy lunch at the Reef. And then we worked.

Really there's not a lot else to say. The rain has arrived, the leaves are ankle deep, and tonight the wind and lightning were up with a vengeance.

Which means, that it's time for me to be in bed.

I'll do better tomorrow....promise....

Geek optimism

So I originally wrote a post all about roller coasters and life and how in just 24 hours, everything can be amazing and fun (thanks Pam, Jacqui, Rene, and Hannah) and then you are sick all night, in a pathetic ball on the couch, unable to sleep because there is an alien beast trying to claw it's way out of your bladder....

But then I deleted it, and I am going to share with you my one peacefilled geeky optimistic moment that has carried over all the drama of my short lived and nasty sickness of last night/today.

In the grand scheme of things, I have it really really good.

So it's been forever

I know most people have given up on my blog, but that almost makes me want to blog more, just to see if anyone is still watching...

I'm going to post something every day, I don't promise anything particularly bright, or shiny, or anything really, but I know I need to write more, so here goes...

For today, I thought I would give you a bullet pointed list of the things that have given me joy so far today....

1. It wasn't raining, infact it was BEAUTIFUL.
2. My amazing Mark being patient and kind and cheering me up when I felt blue this afternoon
3. The delightfully eccentric old couple i saw driving in a little green yaris this morning, decorated with Christmas tinsel, car raindeer antlers, and a big red rudolph nose.
4. The otherwise unremarkable house on Penticton that has a totally empty yard, except for the big fountain of a chubby cherub riding a water spraying dolphin.
5. Reruns of Modern Family
6. My dear Rene visiting from Oregon
7. Autumn leaves.

See you tomorrow......

Happy 2010!

So who would have guessed we would be here. 2010. I distinctly remember watching Beyond 2000 with my dad, and marveling at how by now we would be teleporting, riding segueways upstairs and everywhere, and eating environmentally conscious food which delivered all the necessary vitamins to fight whatever ailment you had on the day while simultaneously eliminating world hunger.........

hmmm

Anyways

It's been a huge year to look back on, so at the risk of turning this into a very pensive retrospective navel gazing ramble, I'm going to look forward.

To kick off 2010, and in response to some rather unpleasant bouts of ill health and frustration for both of us in the last 6 months, Mark and I decided to start a cleanse. Starting the new year off on a good track digestively seemed to be a good way to put the rest of the systems in order, you are what you eat etc etc etc. Following that, on feeling more healthy, and Mark's legs now having had a 2 seasons off rugby to heal and recover, we are also on a plan to start a regular exercise regime. So in the manner of all things internet and blog, I'm opening a little window and sharing with you our journey, and even if noone reads these thoughts, at least it will prove as record for me!

Plus, by putting it all down on a post, it makes it possible for me to indulge in something I have been wanting to do for ages........a recipe blog!!! So what better time than when we have decided to do Phase one of the South Beach Diet, and have had a rather restrictive list of foods we can eat for the two weeks of this cleanse.

Now before you start the tirade of "oh no, not another fad crash diet!!" I did lots of reading and while I am skeptical, I'm also impressed by the amount of fairly balance literature out there about this whole thing, and really, what can really be bad about an eating plan (intentional omission of the D word) that is low GI, high in fibre, high in vegetables, low in sugar, and low in fat. And if it doesn't work as it's supposed to, then it's two weeks of our lives eating lots of veggies and learning new cooking techniques.

For those of you who don't know anything about the South Beach Diet, there are loads of websites out there, and a couple of ones I liked while I was researching are listed at the bottom of this post.

So, I hope you will be patient, and indulge me as I ponder food, excercise, self image, communion and community, and hopefully some of your comments about all of this.

Next two posts will be our first two favourite recipes from Phase one:

High Protein Miso soup and "Spaghetti [squash] and meatballs"

SBD resources and information

http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/diets/south_beach_diet/

http://weightloss.about.com/cs/diets/a/aa060403a.htm

http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com/

Late night confessions

so it's nearly 1am and I am sitting up, eating nutella, watching reruns of greys anatomy.

Like actually eating nutella and strawberries at nearly 1 in the morning.

I'm sad

And I'm sad that I am making dumb choices, and not sleeping, and while I'm excited and nervous and scared and happy, i'm also sleepy and moody and slightly sick from a nutella rush.

This is the life I've chosen. Saying goodbyes, coming and going, never quite knowing who I will see and when.  It's tiring, and while it's beautiful, it's sickening too.

And I've seen all these episodes of Greys before.  And I have to stop eating nutella.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  

24 days now.  And i'm going to get fatter on nutella and my eyes are going to be red from now until the wedding from crying.  Sigh.

Night.

Where did the time go

So it's the 9th of June and the whirlwind is upon us......the nubmer of countdowns I have spinning in my head are ridiculous......

• 2 days til Mark's wedding ring arrives
• 5 days til Mum arrives from New Zealand
• 9 days til Sara arrives from New Zealand
• 25 days til the wedding and becoming Mrs Mark Bergshoeff
• 29 days til we fly to Ontario
• 54 days til we leave for Costa Rica

Wow

I'm kinda spinning just typing that.

It's been a crazy awesome time. I've officially been living in our new apartment for 10 days now, and it's finally looking more like a home and less like a crash site.  It feels like home though (which i suppose is the important thing) and I still get little butterflies when I walk in the door and realise that this is going to be our first home together as a married couple. Gulp.

The painting is all done, the internet works, 90% of the boxes are unpackes, and life goes on.

My newest word of the moment was taught to me by Mark yesterday.  

cur·mudg·eon  (kr-mjn)

n.

An ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions.

---

[Origin unknown.]

---

cur·mudgeon·ly adj.

cur·mudgeon·ry n.

 Not bad huh

Ok what else

I should probably be getting ready for work.  If you haven't RSVPd already for the wedding, get onto it friends! www.markandhill.com  If you haven't got your invite and think you should have I lost a box of invites in the move meaning that I have now sent some people two invitations and some people NONE! so let me know if you're really worried......

Happy Birthday to me...

So I've been 25 for a week now, and I have to say it's been a busy one! I'm a little nervous to say that time is really flying at the moment, which apparently is a sure sign that I am getting old......

It is also getting late, and in deference to my aforementioned aging, I'm going to make this quick and get to bed!

• We saw Star Trek for my birthday.  It was awesome.  I really truly really mean it.  Not just because I'm a huge nerd marrying a huge nerd who I watched the movie with.  Not just because I grew up watching every straing of Star Trek that crossed the screen. Not just becuase I had a 10 year old's crush on Wesley, and later on Tom Paris.....I mean it because it was great! While some don't agree.... (check this blog out for a good chuckle at people taking it all at little too seriously..) we enjoyed it so much that we even went to see it again with our dear friends Stuart and Jacqui and deemed it a GREAT MOVIE on the basis that it is very very rare that all 4 of us agree to like a movie.  

Yup, go see it.  

• I turned 25, and not only did Mark plan an amazing day for me, (pictures to follow at a later date..) he also planned a small suprise get together with some of our friends to eat wings and watch the Hockey. woot woot. He's so great. Yay Mark.
  
  
• We got our keys to our new apartment! Sooooo exciting! Mark and I have been in there all weekend, cleaning and painting and getting our little home ready! I'll be moving in June 1st, and Mark will be staying with some YWAM friends, and then he will join me when we get married....in 47 days!!! Oh goodness!!!

The slightly fuzzy view looking into the apartment from the front door.

Our soon to be bedroom where I set up a suprise carpet picnic for my amazing fiance to reward him for all his hard work and make our first meal in our first house a special one!

Mark working hard scrubbing the ceilings. We got the living room, kitchen and bathroom all done in one night!

Our bathroom! Which (while you can't see it in the photo) is the same colour as Crest toothpaste. We did the ceiling white now though which is nice... :)

Mark smiling and relaxing enjoying our carpet picnic :)

• The wedding is fast approaching and we are still only just sending out invitations.  Whoops. For more info check out www.markandhill.com  yup, go do that now!

Ok bed time

Love love

Hill

Scones....

So I've been here in Vancouver for nearly 4 years now ( I know, who can believe it!?) and when I first arrived I went through several week long phases where I would obsessively bake anything that reminded me of New Zealand.

One week it was 2 dozen pink and brown lamingtons, which I took to work to wow the colleagues with, one week it was 3 dozen anzac biscuits, and for work last summer when I was catering meals for our summer program, I managed (with the help of Jana and a very large industrial stand mixer) 8 dozen mini pavlovas in one night.  I even started (for 4 months) a out of my kitchen meat pie company, aptly named Kiwigirl Pies, and marketed my wares to Mark's more than willing rugby teammates.

But I couldnt' do scones. Since I was a kid I was scared of them, so simple, yet so easy to mess up. I remember telling so many people "yup, I can bake just about anything,just not a decent scone" sad. And I called myself a kiwi.

But then, after flatting with several north americans I discovered American "biscuits". Hang on, this looks somewhat like a scone. Except more complex and with more stuff in it.....

hmmm, maybe, just maybe, if I can do these I MIGHT be able to pull off a scone....

And now I can.  Oat and Honey scones, Raisin scones, savoury chicken herb scones, and plain old "put some jam and cream on it" scones....

It's a beautiful and simple thing, yummy warm scones out of the oven....mmmmmmm

Flakey at best...

I feel sick.

Today we watched "Human Trafficking" (2005 Christian Duguay) and now I don't want to go to bed. The title is not a pun or hint. It's a movie about the trafficking of humans for sex around the world.

I can feel my brain, overfull, heavy between my ears, full of noise and pictures and thoughts that I don't want. Numbers and faces and facts and realities of the (dont' be offended now) SHIT that goes on in this world.

And the scary thing is that I've felt this way before.

It's 11.30, so the timing is pretty much perfect, but this time I'm sitting at home, at my computer with only 3 roommates at home, already in bed, and I'm alone. Last time, I was in my tiny corner of my DTS home with my 14 other roommates all clamouring and crying and trying to work through our horror after watching "Hotel Rwanda" during Jamie's Missional Living week.  

I thought I would puke then too.

The numbers of people, the faces, the pain, the depravity of the human soul that looks on another as a means of profit, something to be bought or traded, and enough to justify murder and abuse and lose of childhood and innocence. That one human being is worth more than another.

I ache, knowing that while both "Human Trafficking" and "Hotel Rwanda" are fictional films, both are only too true to the harsh realities of this world, and I have cried so many tears, then and now and so many days in between, desperate for mercy, retribution, justice.....

And yet....I know I've been here before, so tomorrow, I know I'll feel better.

On the assumption that I manage to fall asleep soon, I'll wake up tomorrow, only a few nightmares worse for wear, I'll pray a little, I'll start my day, and slowly, every day, it'll fade a little more, until I feel better again.

But those girls will still be there......the hopeful mail order brides to be will still burn with betrayal when their internet love sells them as a slave......the child who's parent sells them to a "talent recruiter" will still be there, in the hope of a better future.....the 'sex tourists' that plan brothels like trips to the beach or the museum as part of their vacation itinerary will still be there.....the internet, the street walkers, the pimps, the Johns, their wives.....it'll all still be there.....

How does it line up?

I remember being told when I was younger that I was a flake.  So quick to feel deep emotion, cry and let my heart bleed, and then pick up again until the next crisis. Valley to valley, never thinking how to change that valley, or being able to be at peace that the place I am in, has valleys enough, and I can't commit to it all, I can't cry for it all, no matter how deeply i feel it, how much it hurts.....So now I feel flakey at best.....waiting for tomorrow....

Moving on....

It's so strange....I'm writing this as I sit in my kitchen, while several people traipse through as part of our land lord's house viewing.

It's nearing the 6 week mark of when we will sadly leave this beautiful house, and move on to all the different paths that we are taking, and close this chapter of our lives.  It's been an interesting 2 years at 2736 East Georgia.  2 engagements, a couple of breakups, lots of coffee, tears and laughter, many late nights, parties, dinners, hugs, kisses, hundreds of loads of laundry, many barbeques, and more grumpy PMS days than we'd like to admit to!

But I know that I know that each of us is moving on a little older, a little more ready to face the world out there, and a little more close to each other and (I hope) to God, and an understanding of what community missional living can mean.

I ate perogie casserole for the first time in this house, I was proposed to in this house, and I've cooked 4 turkeys in this house, just to name a few milestones that have come to pass....

And now I'm getting married.

I'm leaving this house to move to my first house as Mrs. Mark Bergshoeff, which is exciting and scary and funny and strange and confusing and wonderful and.......you get the idea.

Who knew that on May 29th, 2005 I would be starting this journey, stepping on a plane, leaving New Zealand, and stepping into such a big chapter of my life here on the other side of the world. Vancouver is not quite the antipode of Auckland (http://www.antipodemap.com/) but it certainly feels like I have flown further from the nest than I originally planned.

Saying that though, in that (nearly) 4  years, I HAVE been to the antipode, to Spain, and to Morocco, to Scotland, England, Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Australia, and the USA. 

What an adventure.......

oh, and p.s.: I know I don't blog much, so check for more frequent updates on our new wedding website for the Hillary and Mark Bergshoeff famiy...

Spiritually Dehabituate

Spiritually Dehabituate  "breaks us out of old habits, awaken the soul from inertia, renew spiritual energy and insight, and redefine us as people who live 'awed' lives".

(Kendra Creasy Den Practicing Passion)

Don't know about you, but that's a good thing to read Monday morning, to reflect and pray and ask God for a moment today to 'spiritually dehabituate' my day to day.  

I'm trying to get back into my old habit of getting up early (6.30?) and staying awake and productive and enjoying the quiet and solitude of the dark winter morning.  For those of you who have done the communal housing thing, you will know what that quiet hour feels like before any of your 4 flatmates stir...That peace and dark calm that rests on the house, while everyone sleeps.  Solitude has always been a hard one for me, the fierce extrovert in me fights it with every fibre, equating it with loneliness, with emptiness, with silence. But, when I perservere, fight from retreating to my duvet and pillow, I find in that quiet the comfort and companionship of my Saviour.  How long has he been sitting in my living room waiting for me to wake up?

Last year, 2008 that is, saw me participating in my friend Gwen's trial bible study project for her thesis.  It was so good to work through the Gospel of Matthew, page by page, chapter by chapter, reading the words and meditating on the words and actions of my Lord, starting my day journalling out the busy thoughts so I could focus again on the one who is always supposed to be front and centre in my field of view.

May today be a day to spiritually dehabituate, to break out, to stretch your weary soul up to the sun, and remember the awe you felt the first day you realised God loved you.