So I was all inspired to write this morning's post, and then my laptop cord (which is a giant fraying mess of stupidity) decided to go on the fritz and I just spent the last couple of minutes shaking it and bending it to try and make the remaining few cords connect together in such a way that my computer will actually keep running long enough for me to type this paragraph.

That being said I can no longer remember what this post was going to be about.

My Facebook status today says "if only decisions in life could be made in full confidence by flipping a coin and going with it"

Now this is a warning immediately to everyone who wants clarity and specifics, you will not find that in this post. I will be vague, unclear and confusing, but it's my blog and I'll process if I want to.

It feels like as you get older every decision becomes more weighted. There are more variables, more risks, more costs, more benefits, more wonder, more excitement, more implications and all at the same time there is suddenly less too; less time, less money, less certainty.......

And I love being married. Mark is my best friend, and I couldn't have ordered a better fit and compliment for me in this life. But now there's two of us to think about, and there's always two sides to everything.

And so when the big decision comes, what do you do? Pray, and then leap for your life.

I wonder about wonder

I'm really not trying to be too clever with that title, I really did spend a significant amount of time wondering yesterday about where my wonder had gone.

I'd spent most of the day bundled up to keep the cold out, and trying to keep a smile on my face as everyone around me got more and more excited about the coming snow fall, the first snow of winter.

I don't like snow. I don't like cold. I don't like ice. But I said, I WILL have a good attitude about it, and I will not ruin this for my friends....especially not for Mark who desperately loves the chill of winter, and all that comes with it.

We had some friends over for dinner (YAY DTS!!!) played board games (Quelf legend 2010) and then finally it was time to go around 11.20pm. But our friend Ian stayed around and we decided to go out, and visit our local.....and of course it was snowing.

Slowly but surely Mark and Ian got more and more excited, and were just enjoying themselves so much, and it reminded me of the first time I saw snow here in Vancouver. Way back in the DTS house, when Krista and Jill woke me up at 5.30 on their way to dryland training, and there was snow on the ground, and big fat fluffy flakes falling...I ran outside in my PJs, and gumboots and coat and just laughed, eating snow flakes and giggling under the streetlights....I even enjoyed the 20 minute walk through the park, able to put aside the outlandish fear of being eaten by a polar bear.

So what happened to all that joy and wonder? When did I become such a grinch about all this snow?
So you know what I did? Had a 30 minute snowball fight at 2am.

And I feel better for it.

It's a Snuggie!

So for those of you unfamiliar with the Snuggie revolution, check out this link......

http://www.mysnuggiestore.com

or

http://www.theslanket.com/

but most importantly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iUo_qdekwI

It's cold here. It's as if it suddenly remember that we are halfway through November and it's been beautiful and sunny and bright. Today was different. And my warmth loving body was sad and shivery. Until Rita let me wear her Snuggie, so I could be both warm, and productive......oh happy day......

You can answer the phone and stay cosy and warm...

Or use your computer...

Or drink tea and laugh maniacally.......ahem.......

Pork and Laughing

So yesterday was full of good laughs.

A JW leprechaun, the best Modern Family of season 2, and the Celine Dion hour of power.

I fully intended to blog, but got entirely carried away with fun girls night with Hannah, making sweet and sour pork and watching Inception.

Now I know the jury is still out for some people on Inception, and whether it's real or not, whether it's good or not, whether it's clever or not. But really, I don't care. People who know me know that I like a good debate, pulling and teasing at ideas and issues. But when it comes to my two current media loves (Inception and Modern Family) I really don't even care to debate. I'm just happy to sit and immerse myself in both and fully just enjoy it, regardless of who likes it or not.

Flash mob anybody? I feel like my youth is slipping away from me.....

so i feel like I'm losing momentum

I know I missed yesterday.....but I was taking a break. Sunday. resting. It was good.

Today I worked. Well, mostly. We had a surprise visit from the parents of a very good friend, moved some luggage and furniture, and then had a really yummy lunch at the Reef. And then we worked.

Really there's not a lot else to say. The rain has arrived, the leaves are ankle deep, and tonight the wind and lightning were up with a vengeance.

Which means, that it's time for me to be in bed.

I'll do better tomorrow....promise....

Geek optimism

So I originally wrote a post all about roller coasters and life and how in just 24 hours, everything can be amazing and fun (thanks Pam, Jacqui, Rene, and Hannah) and then you are sick all night, in a pathetic ball on the couch, unable to sleep because there is an alien beast trying to claw it's way out of your bladder....

But then I deleted it, and I am going to share with you my one peacefilled geeky optimistic moment that has carried over all the drama of my short lived and nasty sickness of last night/today.

In the grand scheme of things, I have it really really good.

So it's been forever

I know most people have given up on my blog, but that almost makes me want to blog more, just to see if anyone is still watching...

I'm going to post something every day, I don't promise anything particularly bright, or shiny, or anything really, but I know I need to write more, so here goes...

For today, I thought I would give you a bullet pointed list of the things that have given me joy so far today....

1. It wasn't raining, infact it was BEAUTIFUL.
2. My amazing Mark being patient and kind and cheering me up when I felt blue this afternoon
3. The delightfully eccentric old couple i saw driving in a little green yaris this morning, decorated with Christmas tinsel, car raindeer antlers, and a big red rudolph nose.
4. The otherwise unremarkable house on Penticton that has a totally empty yard, except for the big fountain of a chubby cherub riding a water spraying dolphin.
5. Reruns of Modern Family
6. My dear Rene visiting from Oregon
7. Autumn leaves.

See you tomorrow......

Happy 2010!

So who would have guessed we would be here. 2010. I distinctly remember watching Beyond 2000 with my dad, and marveling at how by now we would be teleporting, riding segueways upstairs and everywhere, and eating environmentally conscious food which delivered all the necessary vitamins to fight whatever ailment you had on the day while simultaneously eliminating world hunger.........

hmmm

Anyways

It's been a huge year to look back on, so at the risk of turning this into a very pensive retrospective navel gazing ramble, I'm going to look forward.

To kick off 2010, and in response to some rather unpleasant bouts of ill health and frustration for both of us in the last 6 months, Mark and I decided to start a cleanse. Starting the new year off on a good track digestively seemed to be a good way to put the rest of the systems in order, you are what you eat etc etc etc. Following that, on feeling more healthy, and Mark's legs now having had a 2 seasons off rugby to heal and recover, we are also on a plan to start a regular exercise regime. So in the manner of all things internet and blog, I'm opening a little window and sharing with you our journey, and even if noone reads these thoughts, at least it will prove as record for me!

Plus, by putting it all down on a post, it makes it possible for me to indulge in something I have been wanting to do for ages........a recipe blog!!! So what better time than when we have decided to do Phase one of the South Beach Diet, and have had a rather restrictive list of foods we can eat for the two weeks of this cleanse.

Now before you start the tirade of "oh no, not another fad crash diet!!" I did lots of reading and while I am skeptical, I'm also impressed by the amount of fairly balance literature out there about this whole thing, and really, what can really be bad about an eating plan (intentional omission of the D word) that is low GI, high in fibre, high in vegetables, low in sugar, and low in fat. And if it doesn't work as it's supposed to, then it's two weeks of our lives eating lots of veggies and learning new cooking techniques.

For those of you who don't know anything about the South Beach Diet, there are loads of websites out there, and a couple of ones I liked while I was researching are listed at the bottom of this post.

So, I hope you will be patient, and indulge me as I ponder food, excercise, self image, communion and community, and hopefully some of your comments about all of this.

Next two posts will be our first two favourite recipes from Phase one:

High Protein Miso soup and "Spaghetti [squash] and meatballs"

SBD resources and information

http://www.healthyweightforum.org/eng/diets/south_beach_diet/

http://weightloss.about.com/cs/diets/a/aa060403a.htm

http://kalynskitchen.blogspot.com/

Late night confessions

so it's nearly 1am and I am sitting up, eating nutella, watching reruns of greys anatomy.

Like actually eating nutella and strawberries at nearly 1 in the morning.

I'm sad

And I'm sad that I am making dumb choices, and not sleeping, and while I'm excited and nervous and scared and happy, i'm also sleepy and moody and slightly sick from a nutella rush.

This is the life I've chosen. Saying goodbyes, coming and going, never quite knowing who I will see and when.  It's tiring, and while it's beautiful, it's sickening too.

And I've seen all these episodes of Greys before.  And I have to stop eating nutella.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  

24 days now.  And i'm going to get fatter on nutella and my eyes are going to be red from now until the wedding from crying.  Sigh.

Night.

Where did the time go

So it's the 9th of June and the whirlwind is upon us......the nubmer of countdowns I have spinning in my head are ridiculous......

• 2 days til Mark's wedding ring arrives
• 5 days til Mum arrives from New Zealand
• 9 days til Sara arrives from New Zealand
• 25 days til the wedding and becoming Mrs Mark Bergshoeff
• 29 days til we fly to Ontario
• 54 days til we leave for Costa Rica

Wow

I'm kinda spinning just typing that.

It's been a crazy awesome time. I've officially been living in our new apartment for 10 days now, and it's finally looking more like a home and less like a crash site.  It feels like home though (which i suppose is the important thing) and I still get little butterflies when I walk in the door and realise that this is going to be our first home together as a married couple. Gulp.

The painting is all done, the internet works, 90% of the boxes are unpackes, and life goes on.

My newest word of the moment was taught to me by Mark yesterday.  

cur·mudg·eon  (kr-mjn)

n.

An ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions.

---

[Origin unknown.]

---

cur·mudgeon·ly adj.

cur·mudgeon·ry n.

 Not bad huh

Ok what else

I should probably be getting ready for work.  If you haven't RSVPd already for the wedding, get onto it friends! www.markandhill.com  If you haven't got your invite and think you should have I lost a box of invites in the move meaning that I have now sent some people two invitations and some people NONE! so let me know if you're really worried......

Happy Birthday to me...

So I've been 25 for a week now, and I have to say it's been a busy one! I'm a little nervous to say that time is really flying at the moment, which apparently is a sure sign that I am getting old......

It is also getting late, and in deference to my aforementioned aging, I'm going to make this quick and get to bed!

• We saw Star Trek for my birthday.  It was awesome.  I really truly really mean it.  Not just because I'm a huge nerd marrying a huge nerd who I watched the movie with.  Not just because I grew up watching every straing of Star Trek that crossed the screen. Not just becuase I had a 10 year old's crush on Wesley, and later on Tom Paris.....I mean it because it was great! While some don't agree.... (check this blog out for a good chuckle at people taking it all at little too seriously..) we enjoyed it so much that we even went to see it again with our dear friends Stuart and Jacqui and deemed it a GREAT MOVIE on the basis that it is very very rare that all 4 of us agree to like a movie.  

Yup, go see it.  

• I turned 25, and not only did Mark plan an amazing day for me, (pictures to follow at a later date..) he also planned a small suprise get together with some of our friends to eat wings and watch the Hockey. woot woot. He's so great. Yay Mark.
  
  
• We got our keys to our new apartment! Sooooo exciting! Mark and I have been in there all weekend, cleaning and painting and getting our little home ready! I'll be moving in June 1st, and Mark will be staying with some YWAM friends, and then he will join me when we get married....in 47 days!!! Oh goodness!!!

The slightly fuzzy view looking into the apartment from the front door.

Our soon to be bedroom where I set up a suprise carpet picnic for my amazing fiance to reward him for all his hard work and make our first meal in our first house a special one!

Mark working hard scrubbing the ceilings. We got the living room, kitchen and bathroom all done in one night!

Our bathroom! Which (while you can't see it in the photo) is the same colour as Crest toothpaste. We did the ceiling white now though which is nice... :)

Mark smiling and relaxing enjoying our carpet picnic :)

• The wedding is fast approaching and we are still only just sending out invitations.  Whoops. For more info check out www.markandhill.com  yup, go do that now!

Ok bed time

Love love

Hill

Scones....

So I've been here in Vancouver for nearly 4 years now ( I know, who can believe it!?) and when I first arrived I went through several week long phases where I would obsessively bake anything that reminded me of New Zealand.

One week it was 2 dozen pink and brown lamingtons, which I took to work to wow the colleagues with, one week it was 3 dozen anzac biscuits, and for work last summer when I was catering meals for our summer program, I managed (with the help of Jana and a very large industrial stand mixer) 8 dozen mini pavlovas in one night.  I even started (for 4 months) a out of my kitchen meat pie company, aptly named Kiwigirl Pies, and marketed my wares to Mark's more than willing rugby teammates.

But I couldnt' do scones. Since I was a kid I was scared of them, so simple, yet so easy to mess up. I remember telling so many people "yup, I can bake just about anything,just not a decent scone" sad. And I called myself a kiwi.

But then, after flatting with several north americans I discovered American "biscuits". Hang on, this looks somewhat like a scone. Except more complex and with more stuff in it.....

hmmm, maybe, just maybe, if I can do these I MIGHT be able to pull off a scone....

And now I can.  Oat and Honey scones, Raisin scones, savoury chicken herb scones, and plain old "put some jam and cream on it" scones....

It's a beautiful and simple thing, yummy warm scones out of the oven....mmmmmmm

Flakey at best...

I feel sick.

Today we watched "Human Trafficking" (2005 Christian Duguay) and now I don't want to go to bed. The title is not a pun or hint. It's a movie about the trafficking of humans for sex around the world.

I can feel my brain, overfull, heavy between my ears, full of noise and pictures and thoughts that I don't want. Numbers and faces and facts and realities of the (dont' be offended now) SHIT that goes on in this world.

And the scary thing is that I've felt this way before.

It's 11.30, so the timing is pretty much perfect, but this time I'm sitting at home, at my computer with only 3 roommates at home, already in bed, and I'm alone. Last time, I was in my tiny corner of my DTS home with my 14 other roommates all clamouring and crying and trying to work through our horror after watching "Hotel Rwanda" during Jamie's Missional Living week.  

I thought I would puke then too.

The numbers of people, the faces, the pain, the depravity of the human soul that looks on another as a means of profit, something to be bought or traded, and enough to justify murder and abuse and lose of childhood and innocence. That one human being is worth more than another.

I ache, knowing that while both "Human Trafficking" and "Hotel Rwanda" are fictional films, both are only too true to the harsh realities of this world, and I have cried so many tears, then and now and so many days in between, desperate for mercy, retribution, justice.....

And yet....I know I've been here before, so tomorrow, I know I'll feel better.

On the assumption that I manage to fall asleep soon, I'll wake up tomorrow, only a few nightmares worse for wear, I'll pray a little, I'll start my day, and slowly, every day, it'll fade a little more, until I feel better again.

But those girls will still be there......the hopeful mail order brides to be will still burn with betrayal when their internet love sells them as a slave......the child who's parent sells them to a "talent recruiter" will still be there, in the hope of a better future.....the 'sex tourists' that plan brothels like trips to the beach or the museum as part of their vacation itinerary will still be there.....the internet, the street walkers, the pimps, the Johns, their wives.....it'll all still be there.....

How does it line up?

I remember being told when I was younger that I was a flake.  So quick to feel deep emotion, cry and let my heart bleed, and then pick up again until the next crisis. Valley to valley, never thinking how to change that valley, or being able to be at peace that the place I am in, has valleys enough, and I can't commit to it all, I can't cry for it all, no matter how deeply i feel it, how much it hurts.....So now I feel flakey at best.....waiting for tomorrow....

Moving on....

It's so strange....I'm writing this as I sit in my kitchen, while several people traipse through as part of our land lord's house viewing.

It's nearing the 6 week mark of when we will sadly leave this beautiful house, and move on to all the different paths that we are taking, and close this chapter of our lives.  It's been an interesting 2 years at 2736 East Georgia.  2 engagements, a couple of breakups, lots of coffee, tears and laughter, many late nights, parties, dinners, hugs, kisses, hundreds of loads of laundry, many barbeques, and more grumpy PMS days than we'd like to admit to!

But I know that I know that each of us is moving on a little older, a little more ready to face the world out there, and a little more close to each other and (I hope) to God, and an understanding of what community missional living can mean.

I ate perogie casserole for the first time in this house, I was proposed to in this house, and I've cooked 4 turkeys in this house, just to name a few milestones that have come to pass....

And now I'm getting married.

I'm leaving this house to move to my first house as Mrs. Mark Bergshoeff, which is exciting and scary and funny and strange and confusing and wonderful and.......you get the idea.

Who knew that on May 29th, 2005 I would be starting this journey, stepping on a plane, leaving New Zealand, and stepping into such a big chapter of my life here on the other side of the world. Vancouver is not quite the antipode of Auckland (http://www.antipodemap.com/) but it certainly feels like I have flown further from the nest than I originally planned.

Saying that though, in that (nearly) 4  years, I HAVE been to the antipode, to Spain, and to Morocco, to Scotland, England, Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Australia, and the USA. 

What an adventure.......

oh, and p.s.: I know I don't blog much, so check for more frequent updates on our new wedding website for the Hillary and Mark Bergshoeff famiy...

Spiritually Dehabituate

Spiritually Dehabituate  "breaks us out of old habits, awaken the soul from inertia, renew spiritual energy and insight, and redefine us as people who live 'awed' lives".

(Kendra Creasy Den Practicing Passion)

Don't know about you, but that's a good thing to read Monday morning, to reflect and pray and ask God for a moment today to 'spiritually dehabituate' my day to day.  

I'm trying to get back into my old habit of getting up early (6.30?) and staying awake and productive and enjoying the quiet and solitude of the dark winter morning.  For those of you who have done the communal housing thing, you will know what that quiet hour feels like before any of your 4 flatmates stir...That peace and dark calm that rests on the house, while everyone sleeps.  Solitude has always been a hard one for me, the fierce extrovert in me fights it with every fibre, equating it with loneliness, with emptiness, with silence. But, when I perservere, fight from retreating to my duvet and pillow, I find in that quiet the comfort and companionship of my Saviour.  How long has he been sitting in my living room waiting for me to wake up?

Last year, 2008 that is, saw me participating in my friend Gwen's trial bible study project for her thesis.  It was so good to work through the Gospel of Matthew, page by page, chapter by chapter, reading the words and meditating on the words and actions of my Lord, starting my day journalling out the busy thoughts so I could focus again on the one who is always supposed to be front and centre in my field of view.

May today be a day to spiritually dehabituate, to break out, to stretch your weary soul up to the sun, and remember the awe you felt the first day you realised God loved you.

So it's cold

I know for most of my Canadian readers you are already digging in your pockets for your 'smallest violin in the world' and your stories of 40 below and polar bears, but now is the time you cut the Kiwi some slack and let me feel cold.
Because for a half Chinese, half Hobbit such as myself, -8 with a windchill to -13 is really cold. And ice isn't fun either!
Ok enough of that.
Things here are going well, busy busy busy, especially as we prepare our students to head out on field assignment on Christmas Eve!! yipes, who thought of that idea? oh yeah, me. doh.
It's the season of Christmas parties and snow fights and carols and candles. We had our church candlelight christmas carol service on Sunday, and even though I was (literally) enrobed the entire time in my rather frumpy blue yellow and white choir robes it was a really good night, full of music and love and reading the Bible! So good for my soul.
Why is it that we so underestimate reading the Bible? I have been really trying to check myself in this area and apply myself more, and my dear friend Gwen has been helping me a lot. She is doing her thesis project at St Stephens University and part of it is writing a devotional, focusing one day on each chapter of the 4 gospel books. 90 days for 90 chapters. I have been one of the guinea pigs for the project, and the simple application of the Word of God has really had a profound effect on my morning routine and the rest of my day. Why did I never apply myself before? Why am I STILL slack sometimes? Why is it always the things that are best for us that we let fall by the wayside the fastest?
I'm excited it's nearly Christmas. It's a good time to reflect and learn and rest and revel in the love and friendship that we have in our lives. It's a sip of cold water along the way (though maybe hot water would be better for me right now) and can bring refreshment we never even though possible. It'll be my 4th Christmas away from NZ, strange I know, but if I am somewhat on to it, you Kiwis should get your Christmas cards before Valentine's :)
Gotta go get ready for work.
Lots of love
Hillary

what!?!?

Two posts in one day?!?! holy cow, it can't be right.

Today I have been thinking about how annoying it is that boys can just turn off their brains whenever I want. Like that Seinfeld sketch where he says that as a man he is simply 'walking around, looking around' thinking about NOTHING. like really truly NOTHING. Not girl nothing where it's really something but we just don't want to talk about, but actually really nothing.

Boy nothing. I still don't get it.

Today has been emo, and busy, and I'm tired, feeling like I was very busy, but didn't get much done, and I really am waiting to move on to the next phase, the next season, the next SOMETHING.

So I have been meditating on a prayer today, mulling it over, turning it round, and frankly, well, I love this prayer.

I used to pray it when I was younger, and today, I desperately felt the words.....

Dear God,

So far today I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.

I haven't been grumpy,nasty or selfish.

But in a few minutes, God,I'm going to get out of bed

and that is when I'm going to need a lot of help.

Amen

Yup, it's time to go to bed again....

It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Or so they say.

Why is it that Christmas has become this huge swirling vortex of money-spending-line-jumping-pushing-demanding-frenzied-consumption that is sucking out all the goodness and fun from what was supposedly the most wonderful time of the year?

I recently joined a Facebook event to celebrate 'Buy Nothing Day', and have been really enjoying some of the conversations that have come out of this. Sure it could be yet another band wagon to jump on, but if I'm going to be on a wagon this is a pretty good one. And I'm totally guilty of randomly buying stuff just because it's 'cute' or 'fun' or 'perfect!' or 'just what i NEED!' But here's to change and broadening horizons right??

There is a section of the page where people have contributed art work, illustrating their feelings about the cause. My favourite is this one:

There are some other really interesting ones on there too, check it out.

And see, now I'm waiting for everyone to say one of two things:
1) you're just a grouchy missionary who doesn't want to give people stuff and has no money so of course you're whinging about buy Christmas presents
or
2) you're just a hippy grinch of a missionary who is using Jesus to back up whatever cause you feel strongly about today.

Now I am the first to say that everything on this blog is just 'in my humble opinion' and I'm totally open to discussion, so please if you want to talk leave a comment and we'll get something going here. And you know what, it's strange to be here, feeling this strongly about something, especially when I LOVE gifts.
Yup you read right. The anti Christmas Grinchy missionary LOVES gifts!!! Now how does that work?
Well check out this other piece of art work from the same site:

Gifts are great. gifts are fun. I've been planning Mark's Christmas gift for 5 weeks now, I'm desperately trying to put together little things for family, friends and supporters, all across the world, and while I have the added financial considerations to make given my choice of occupation right now, what better catalyst for really getting off my butt and doing some of that creative stuff I keep talking about.

And don't tell me you can't be creative. Don't tell me you can't make or bake or sew or draw or sing or build, or even hug for the people that you love. You have something to give.
Before you swipe, take a deep breath and count to 20 and see if there could just be a way around buying that one more thing.....

Grey day in Vancouver....

That was an intentional spelling mistake. A spelling mistake placed as a tribute to the newest DVD addiction for Jana and I, Grey's Anatomy. We are systematically going through all the episodes in chronological order, all started because I got a voucher for 2 free rentals at Rogers Video. 11 episodes later.......

Anyways
That was a really emo post I did last week wasn't it? Well I mean, emo and sick aside (they prayed for me in staff meeting this morning, and I haven't coughed for 2 hours! a new record for the month) I still don't think it was unjustified.

I had kind of forgotten about it, until Crystal commented this morning (thanks for helping me feel like someone out there might be reading my rantings occaisionally) and reread it to see what damage I had inflicted on cyber space. It's not so bad

In other news, I joined my church choir yesterday. Now this may seem silly to some of you, or perhaps a little nerdy, but it was great fun, and so good to hang out with some of the fun people at church that I normally don't see very much. We have a great conductor (Janet is a musical legend) and we have a fun selection of music to learn over the next few months preparing for performances etc. The first big performance day is Thanksgiving, so it's not much time to practice. I'm 1st soprano again which is a bit of a shock, but I felt great after the 2 hours I spent in our funny old church hall. See Mr Gordon, I knew I could amount to SOMETHING musically.......

BTW, for any of you reading who are wondering how Mark and I are doing, we are good, and I just thouhgt I'd take this opportunity in public to say how awesome he is, he suprised me at work on Wednesday night, and invited me over for a candlelight dinner, and after we were done, put some music on and danced!!! We love to dance, and even though we haven't brushed up on our ballroom skills recently, we laughed a lot. And then I bought him an icecream cuz I lost a bet about the quickest way to walk to church (he beat me by 150metres). Ahhh, love.......

Speaking of Mark, I've been adopted as team photographer for the Scribes Rugby Team (east van proud baby!) and will be taking lots of pics (probablyin the rain) this saturday in Richmond. anyone wanna come keep me company while the boys are on the field getting muddy? I'm gonna bring pies............

Hiatus...

Though, I guess that isn't really the correct term given that to consider this a break would have meant that there was regularly something happening here, and the absence of such could have been termed a hiatus....
Sigh
That's just semantics I guess, born of late night emo....
I wish I would post on here more, keep to my wish of keeping you updated, filling you in, keeping in touch, doing my share... but then sometimes I wonder if I have anything real to say, or if I say anything too real if I will let the wrong thing out of the bag, let my guard down too far, and someone out there will see right through me....
It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog, and even now I think back to a conversation I had with a colleague here who said "I always read people's blogs here now, I find that there's one story I get face to face and one that they write on their blog. One has to be a lie, cuz it's always the opposite of what the other one is...I just have to figure out which one...."
I don't think it's so much a lie, just the safe warm blanket of anonymity...(thank you mission impossible writers) and the fact you can say whatever you please without having to see a quivering lip or a pitying eye or someone's baffled wonderment at the oddness of your behaviour or situation.....It's a selfish cathartic noise....release.....putting yourself out there without instant reprisal....
I'm sick, and some of this rant probably comes from the combination of Buckleys, vicks, throat spray and Advil cold and sinus gel tabs (2) that i just took in an effort to sleep. this post though is evidence to the aforementioned medicines ineffectiveness.
It's strange. After 3 weeks of stress and busy and worry and thinking and trying desperately to trust and wait out the storm, now in the calm that lies after, I'm just left feeling sick and spent, and wondering now what to do. The thing about a fight is that you are so busy watching for the next onslaught and anticipating the next move, ducking and slashing, that the stillness of peace, and the settling of dust, make you even more edgy than you began.......I'm back to the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop..waiting for what you really deserve, are scared to admit, that you are really found out......